Again, I find myself wanting to say so much, but canapos;t seem to push enough air through my lungs to make my vocal chords vibrate. Communication has become a foreign concept to me, one that I donapos;t understand. I know all the words, but it seems they have completely different meanings to me then they do to everyone else. No matter what I say, the meaning seems to change between my lips and other peoples ears. The harder I try, the worse the misunderstandings seem to get, making me lose the desire to try. That may be why Iapos;ve been getting sick again lately. My body is trying to destroy itself, because as Circe Berman said, "Whats the point in being alive if youapos;re not going to communicate?" If you donapos;t know who Circe Berman is, may I suggest you read the book Bluebeard. Like most of the books I make reference to, its by Vonnegut.
It was pointed out to me by a friend the other night while we were out getting a drink, that now that we are out of college and working, its only going to be harder to make new friends from here on out. Its a frightening thought, mostly because its true. It seems that most of the good friend people have are the ones they made when they were kids or in college. I didnapos;t make many friends growing up. Sure I had a lot of people I would hangout with at school, but a vast majority of them i wouldnapos;t call friends. For the most part they were people studying the same thing as me, so we spent a lot of time in the same places. We never got to really know each other. Most of them know me as a cynical, sarcastic ass who is good for the occasional laugh. To be fair thats the mask I wear a lot of the time to deal with life. If I didnapos;t act like that, well, I would have cracked like an antique vase getting dropped on the floor years ago. Oddly enough though, people seem to like the cynical asshole I play for the theatrical event we call life. Its when they get to know the real me that problems appear.
This is where some of my failings in the art of communication arise. People think its great when Iapos;m making bitter commentary on things, and in a lot of case even when Iapos;m making sarcastic comments about them. As long as its done with either some wit, or relentlessly tactless, people laugh and want me around. ( of course there are some people who donapos;t appreciate it, Iapos;m just making a generalization) But when people get close enough to me to find out that thats not who I am all the time, that I can actually be caring , sensitive, all be it awkward, guy, who always puts the people close to him first, they suddenly have no interest in me. Its happened time and time again. As soon as I get close to some one, as soon as we really become friends, they pull away, stop talking to me, stop returning my calls. Never an explanation, never even some one getting mad at me, just a sudden distancing of themselves from me. I mean, i know i have my problems, and i know Iapos;m bad at expressing myself, and sometimes say the wrong things, but am i really that messed up, that much of a burden that I am to be avoided? Doesnapos;t it count for anything that my intentions are always good, that I just want to do what I can for the people i care about.
I donapos;t know, i guess what it comes down to is people are what life is about. What is the point of growing up and experience life if you have no one to share those experiences with. Right now I feel I donapos;t have anyone to share my experiences with. I have two real good friends that I grew up with, but thats about it. And while weapos;re still friends, weapos;ve grown a part as weapos;ve gotten older. Theyapos;ve both made new friends, have their own groups of people weapos;re they belong, And while Iapos;m always welcome to hangout with them, those groups arenapos;t mine. I wouldnapos;t be there if it wasnapos;t for my two friends. I have no where i belong. Maybe Iapos;ve just convinced myself that, but Iapos;m tired of feeling like Iapos;m floating around not living life. Iapos;m tired of feeling like the odd man out. I want some where I belong.
Iapos;m done...... Like usual, Iapos;m not sure how coherent this was. Iapos;m sure I strayed from the original topic, if there was one, as i always do. Focus has never been my strong point when splattering my brains on paper/computer. Oh well, whatever
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